We were raised hearing many definitions. Our minds are full of ‘goods’ and ‘bads’ such as: ‘It is good to work in a corporate. It is bad to have a desire for the opposite sex. It is good to eat spinach. It is not good to be 30 and still single.’ Nobody taught us to ask ourselves what we really wanted to do. We thought that we had to choose from the ‘goods’ that were given. And we forced ourselves to do so.

There is a huge choir in the heads of those who grew up with the ‘goods&bads’.  This choir has a large staff which is composed of your mother, father, grandmother, neighbors etc. They all talk throughout the day ‘You’d better do this, you’d better do that’. The noise this choir creates is so great that these people cannot hear their own voice. They aren’t even aware of what they really want.

Besides, the same people are taken back when they face a situation that weren’t classified and taught as ‘good’ or ‘bad’. For example one of my counselees was taught that it’s bad to laugh when she’s with boys or make an eye contact with them. But those who taught her ‘what’s bad to do when she is with boys’ never told her what’s good (!) to do when she’s with them. That’s why she didn’t know what to do and get in a lather when she went out for a dinner with a man she is interested in, eventhough she had a respected career.

These people hope for help from other people’s ‘goods’ and ‘bads’ when their own definitions of ‘good or bad’ can’t help them. I know a lot of people who ask if they should call someone or not, see him or not or what they should write in a text message. They get totally confused when someone says ‘bad’ for something some other person finds ‘good’. Not knowing what to do, they can’t think of asking themselves this question ‘What do I want to do?’

Just turn down the volume of the choir in your head, let go of the question ‘What should I do?’. Pay attention to your own inner voice and ask: ‘What do I want to do?

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