‘My husband keeps himself apart!’ I sometimes hear this statement from my counselees and I find it quite strange. Something is apart from you to the very extent that you are apart from it. Could Ankara be 20 km apart from İstanbul while İstanbul is 500 km apart from Ankara? If your husband remains distant from you, then you remain distant from him too.
They say: ‘No way! I do everything for him… Can’t you see how close I am to him?’
Here, I am not talking about a formal or physical closeness; I am talking about closeness on an inner level. Are you really there with your heart while you seem to be there with him physically? Could it be your anger or fear that you feel for him keeping you distant?
I had a counselee who complained that her father kept himself apart. They lived in different cities. Her father didn’t come when she opened her new workplace or when her child was born. She could count many such instances to explain how her father stood apart.
I told her the same thing: ‘If your father is apart, then it is actually you who stands apart from him.’ During the sessions we did, she remembered a past incident: When she was a little child, she eavesdropped on a conversation her parents were having. Her mother told her father that an acquaintance was sexually abusing his own daughter. The little girl was afraid upon hearing this conversation. So, without even being aware, she built up a wall between her and her father in order to protect herself.
I go a step further here: If you are distant from others you are actually distant from yourself.
Below is a link where you can see the meditation I did together with my counselee. When we communicated her inner child during the meditation, she saw herself at the age of 5. She was sitting in a place 30 meters away, crouching on the ground and facing back. She was crying.
It took us a while to approach the little child. We then played and spent time with her. Within the week, her parents called her by themselves and visited her. We weren’t surprised at that. Because the world was getting closer to my counselee as she got closer to herself.
Whatever it is that you expect from outside, give it to yourself in the first place. Ask this question to yourself more often: ‘What do I need?’. If you look for closeness, get closer to yourself in the first place. If you want love, express your love you have for yourself more often. Remember: ‘The World is the way it is because of the way you are.’