One of my counselees has lately told me that she wanted a tall boyfriend. She even told me that she immediately eliminated any men who were shorter than her. Here is the conversation we had:

What if he is not tall?
He wouldn’t be a good match for me.

What if he wouldn’t be a good match for you?
People will say ‘This is not a nice couple’.

What if people say ‘This is not a nice couple’?
People will criticize me.

What do you need if you are afraid of being criticized?
Acceptance and approval.

Let’s see what we came to understand through this questioning:

1) The criterion doesn’t belong to my counselee!
My counselee says that she wanted a tall lover but that’s not her criterion, it’s other people’s criterion. We saw that she acted according to what other people wanted for appreciation. ‘We are okay with his height, let’s see what others would want for his weight?’ Based on such criteria, would she choose a lover for herself or for others?

2) The criterion is not ‘a criterion for a happy relationship’
The criterion of ‘tall men’ wouldn’t bring happiness. It is no different than recruiting a man with a red pulley and expecting him to speak fluent English.

3) Eventhough you satisfy the desire, there might still be an unmet need behind it
I want a tall boyfriend (because) I need approval. We found a tall man so we had the approval. What if people criticize that he is ‘very thin’ this time?

As a result, are you aware of your needs behind your desires? Whose lover are you looking for? Will the man you find bring you the relationship you really want?

You can get help from the practice package Have Your Dream Relationship to become clear about what kind of a relationship you really want and eliminate the obstructions that keeps you from achieving it.

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